Monday 5 January 2009

Nuspeak

Telegrammed by Eboracum (50A)
Railway Eye's free cut-out-n-keep industry definitions for use in 2009:

Barrier
- Device for ensuring you definitely miss the train

Bonus
- Large sum of money given to director regardless of competence

Bus - Inevitable alternative transport – see Network Rail engineering schedule for details

Christmas
- Biblical holiday when the railway sleeps

Dinner
- Sandwich and bag of crisps if you are lucky

Director - Fat bloke in suit with lots of money

Driver - Grumpy bloke who sits in the front of the train and ignores passengers

Fare
- Thing that increases faster than rabbits on Viagra – See ‘Bonus’ and ‘Director’

Franchise
- Something that disappears faster than Ali Bongo’s rabbit

GNER
- (Eastern England trad.) Mythical halcyon concept from past history

Guard
- Same as 'Driver' but sits at the back

Seating
- Technique for balancing a laptop in you left hand and typing with your right whilst standing in gangway end spilling your coffee

Service
- Surly and patronising treatment grudgingly thrust in the direction of passenger by staff member wondering if they will still have a job this time next week

Passenger - Person sitting in car in traffic jam

Timetable
- Document detailing the time before which the train will not depart

More please...

UPDATE:
Two from The Major...

Possession
- (NR internal) Nine tenths of the law

Seat
- (Obsolete) Place of comfort at which passengers received service

More please...